Letting Go

I Was a MySpace Stalker

By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning. -- Lao Tzu

The world is full of heartache and sob stories. Many move on and get past the struggle, while others just cannot seem to let it go. I myself have had several of these moments, from losing loved ones far too early, to losing those I could have loved long before I realized it.

Life is not only about the choices we make, but also of the opportunities we miss from the risks we are just too afraid to take. I have missed out on love from being too afraid to speak up, just as I have missed out on portions of life by remaining in the shadows. One thing is for sure though; today is the day I stop MySpace stalking my ex.

Some psychologists would suggest that when we do not fully recover from a loss we bury it deep inside and the next time we experience a pain similar to the one we repressed, we are destined to live it over until we make peace. Others say that psychobabble such as that is nonsense, and that life is what we make it. I am inclined towards the deep introspective definition, not just because it somewhat excuses my actions, but it also offers some explanation for how we react the way that we do.

My boyfriend of a few years, who was talking of buying a house and wanted to marry me, one day dumped me in a Wal-Mart parking lot. It was simple and harsh, he wanted to experience more, and one woman was not enough for him. He ended it with, “I don’t love you and I am not sure I ever have.” It was so sudden I had a very hard time accepting this. He had withdrawn his negative feelings about things until this point and though he assured me that it was he that had the problem and not me, it still felt as if somehow this had landed on me.

It has been over a year since he has been gone, but I still hum a mourning song. He was my first boyfriend and though he had said and done terrible things after the break-up and I would never consider getting back together, I have been MySpace stalking him. This is my guilty confession to the world, my mild obsession, the itch I know I should not scratch. We have all done it, some out of morbid curiosity while for others it is an obsessive trait that eats away at us.

It starts out simple and easy: just a quick glance down the comments page of someone’s networking site, looking at your interests’ contacts, seeing what they say and about whom. Narcissism driving you to see if perhaps you are mentioned out of love or scandal. Searching for infidelity is always a priority as well as your mind ranks the propriety of his comment to your friend’s summer bathing suit shot.

Then you move on the friends, anyone whose page is not marked as private is scanned and crosschecked to the original page of reference, and then of course you must look at their friends to see if maybe they are talking to them about your interest. Looking of course at their comments and picture responses to see if something is revealed there. If someone’s page is private, however, it is harder to find a backdoor into their world. The way I usually did it was to find out who their friends are, then if any of them have public profiles you can view their comments and usually the person with the private profile will have commented onto their page and those comments are easy access.

I am not quite sure what I expected from doing this. Part of me wanted to make sure that he was doing OK, but most of me wanted the gory details. Did he move on, what did he tell them about me, why do I care? Well it has been many moons since the split and today I decided to move on. I did the unthinkable in a world of cyber connections and cut off the ties. I deleted him off my page, took him off my friends’ list in live journal, knocked him off the AIM buddy contacts, even removed his cell number and email address from my phone.

A clean break at last, something I should have done twelve months ago but I was too afraid to lose something that was a constant in my life, even if it was one that was damaging. This boy had moved on past me, sex being the only thing he was remotely interested in, and halting this fixation has been one of the most positive things I have done recently. My mind feels strangely at rest as I think about leaving this behind and having new opportunities arise. I had made myself unavailable to new possibilities because I was living in the past. I am now a recovered MySpace stalker and it has never felt better.