Talking to Teens about Sex
Sex Discussions Between Parents and Kids
I’m off at school, and while at home, my grandmother wanders into my bedroom. She sees my jeans, thrown in a late night haphazard pile on my floor, and, tut-tutting my sloppiness, picks them up, tilting them at an angle just sharp enough for a little yellow packet to tumble out of their back pocket.
“What’s this?” Grandma thinks, making out the word “banana” on the wrapper. Then, in a terrible misunderstanding (which I will spend the rest of my life hearing about), my dear, sweet grandma thought to herself “Oh, I’ve never tried banana flavored gum before!”
Except it wasn't gum. It was a condom.
I have difficulty comprehending why many parents who find their children’s contraceptives are horrified that their little angels aren’t abstinent, instead of being comforted that they are protecting themselves responsibly.
Reviewing the evolution of the discussions of sexual issues in families, we can see that my grandmother’s generation more or less kept quiet. This was perceived as logical, on account of the whole “sex is taboo” debacle, which deeply permeated society at the time. But between our generations, there was the age of free love, the AIDS epidemic, and an increase in, not only the awareness of the existence of teen sex, but of the need to discuss it openly.
Sex Education
I admittedly spent the duration of my first article for Orato.com squirming about how awkward it can be to have a parent-child sex discussion, so proclaiming now that I’m annoyed by parental (and grandparental) obliviousness towards teenage behaviour may seem a tad hypocritical.
However, there are several ways that we do feel comfortable establishing an understanding of our personal lives with our parents. We may not initially be a receptive audience, but if we are mature enough to be having sex, we’re pretty well mature enough to pipe down and hear about it. Personally, I’d rather be a little awkward than incurably ill.
Questioning any teenager will immediately reveal that a universally shared annoyance is being treated like lesser beings by our elders. This is inherently what makes the stereotypical “birds and bees” talk so obnoxious; we find it patronizing. This is, after all, the Internet generation. We were jadedly clicking the X-button on porn-star pop ups back when our parents were still buying us footie pyjamas.
We definitely don’t need the dirty details recounted to us by our mom and dad. However, parents invariably tend to feel more comfortable knowing their children are safe and have an understanding of the gravity and maturity levels commensurate with being sexually active. The most efficient way of doing this is to attempt to foster an open and casual environment regarding conversation about sex and trust from an early age.
For example, instead of treating me like my banana condom was actually the corpse of a man I’d murdered and stuffed in my back-pocket, my grandmother could have used her discovery as a platform on which to emphasize the importance of love, safety, mature choices, commend me on my physically safe choice, but also advise me to protect myself emotionally against the angst and confusion sex-too-soon may bring.
Broaching the Topic of Sex
The Gardacil shot was released within the last year, making it a modern step towards universal sexual health. The shot is practical, easy, and is quickly becoming a mandatory preventative measure given to girls in junior high school.
Its sheer ubiquity gives it a somewhat casual atmosphere, a necessary and unawkward way for parents, teens, and their family doctors to discuss why the shot is needed and how serious protection is. Unless, of course, you have my family doctor, and she asks you whether you’ve “ever kissed a boy,” in which case, consider uncomfortable conversation as character-building, roll your eyes, and wonder exactly how relevant that is.
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Comments
Bravo Adrienne...Bravo.
If only parents and grandparents were more comfortable with the thought of their children having sex, many an awkward situation could be avoided.
It reminds me of an incident where I was sleeping over at a new girlfriend's house one night after seeing a movie. I had asked her if her parents were cool with me spending the night and she said it wasn't a big deal. I learned later she had fairly loose grasp on the idea of truth, but back to the story at hand.
So after making out for a bit (everything above the waist) we began to drift off to sleep. As I was near unconsciousness, I felt the covers torn from the bed, and whirled around to see my girlfriend's mother staring daggers at me. She began to shout things like, "Are you ready to be a father!" and "Are you going to support my daughter when she's pregnant!"
I was wearing nothing but boxer shorts, and my girlfriend was topless with a pair of underwear on. I'll never forgot watching mother and daughter screaming at each other while I dressed in a daze, mumbling, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again.
I don't know if that ranks up there with a grandma chewing a banana flavored condom in the 'Awkward Scale', but it goes to show that many parents need to open the sexual lines of communication as to avoid scarring kids for life.
It seems that having an awkward experience with your parents and sex is just another embarrasing milestone that you are rare if you didn't experience.
Mine happened the day that I moved from one apartment to another while still living with my dad. My dad had left for work that morning and the guy that I was dating was coming over to help me un-pack. As the old story goes, one thing led to another, keeping in mind that there were 2 teenagers in the house alone, and we decided to have a shower.
Well wouldn't you know, that my dad came home to check whether the phone guy had come to set up our lines.
Literally the most embarassing moment of my life. I remember wanting to be the water as it went down the drain.
I tried to collect myself, the terrified boyfriend stayed in the shower without the water going, as I went out to face the music. That was the day that I realized my father was amazing. He didn't get angry instead told me that he was proud of me that I was mature enough to be in a sexually active relationship.
My dad is still amazing, and that day went from horrific to amazing...
so true about the milestone thing...I was 16 and my BF had been sleeping over for a few months, literally under my dad's nose, but was able to sneak out each day through the walk out basement. It wasn't his loud snoring echoing through the vents into the kitchen where my dad enjoyed a morning java that gave us away, but the day when I saw a spider in my bathtub and asked my dad to kill it.
He did, but he also discovered my birth control pills sitting on the bathroom counter. He was crushed. But he recovered, and I avoided Jamie Lynn Spears' fate...
Adrienne! This is probably the best one yet! Condoms are... no pun intended... deliciously awkward inventions, created solely to be worried about in every way possible. Ah, what a lovely nugget of family history you've shared with the whole internet.
Also you are 100% above Yoko Ono in layout position powers!
*facepalm*
Thanks brah, i'm glad you like it...but seriously facepalm regarding that last sentence XD
well its good to know that teens feel the need to communicate their experiences with the last two generations well am an african and we are taught abot sex depending on your tribe for me my mother is supposed to teach me and yeah thats awkward. But on the other side my dad is very free to discuss this topic so we discuss sex with him not the nitty gritties but the safe sex,emotions and the rest, all this was encouraged by the HIV AIDS campaign in kenya dubbed in swahili"Fungua Roho Yako which means open your hearts to your children thus encouraged parents to be sensitive to their children's experiences concerning sex. Well i think it will be nice not to run if caught in such moments but choose this time to let them know that you are sexually active and its time you all sat down and talk about it, that way you are letting them know you are mature,and you know what you are into thus alaying any fear they might have which means a conducive enviroment for serious talk next time and also a change of opinion that we are lesser beings.
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