Gay Marriage And A Change Of Heart

I was in Cali last week, and one day after the gay marriage decision came down I met a gay man who told me that the previous day, his partner of 38 years had asked him to marry him. I was so touched I started to mist up. So here's to you, D., and your future husband. I hope you two crazy kids are sure about what you're doing -- wouldn't want you to try anything rash! Many, many happy returns to both of you. And while I'm at it, my compliments to the California Supreme Court, and especially to all the fierce, dedicated activists out there who are making GLBT equality less and less of an aspiration and more and more of a reality. Video by TravisMathews.com

When GLBT activists first began pressing for gay marriage, and when in fact many GLBT groups made gay marriage the top priority on their political agenda, I thought it was probably the wrong decision on their part, both strategically and substantively. It's not that I opposed gay marriage, but I thought that other concerns, such as the right to be free of discrimination in jobs and housing, and even the right to serve in the military, were more important.

I also thought that pushing for gay marriage was too radical. Face it, gay marriage is a lot of conservative folks' worst nightmare. Wouldn't it be better to work up to that gradually? To ease people into it by first advocating for less controversial measures, like a statute outlawing job discrimination against GLBT folks? Or by not asking for anything more, for now, than civil unions?

Gay marriage as an issue didn't sit right with me for another reason: it seemed not only too radical but also too conservative. There are radical traditions within the GLBT liberation movements that are sharply critical of marriage for being a conservative, bourgeois, heteronormative institution.

I always found those critiques useful, as I did the (similar) feminist anti-marriage critiques. I never entirely embraced the anti-marriage ideology, but I thought there was much truth in the anti-marriage arguments, and much reason, for me and other feminists, to be deeply skeptical of marriage as an institution, and and to view the romanticized portrayals of marriage that saturate our culture with a gimlet eye.

But then two things happened. One is, I got married. Ever since I was in my teens, I was never certain that I wanted marriage for myself, though I knew I wanted to be in a lifelong, committed relationship. And when I got married, I felt some uncertainty as to whether I was doing the right thing. It's not that I doubted for a moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband. But I worried a little if marriage would change the nature of our relationship.

I also had some concerns about entering an institution that arbitrarily granted instant social status. Why should getting married make me suddenly more worthy of respect? Why did having a wedding (which I also felt ambivalent about -- had it not been for my husband's wishes, I would just as soon have eloped) instantly make me the center of attention? Weren't all my fabulous single friends just as worthy of celebration and admiration? And what about my gay friends, who were forcibly denied the right to marry? Where was the justice in that?

By the way, I'm not kidding when I say that getting married grants you instant social status. It really does -- if you're a woman, at least. You're no longer condescendingly viewed as the sad, lonely maiden aunt. You're no longer patronized as one of those "terrific" single women who "has it hard" (because of the supposed lack of marriageable men). Oh no no. Once you're married, you're treated as one of society's winners. You've made it, you've snagged the biggest prize there is -- a dude. And just about any dude will do, really.

Anyway, here's the thing: once I got married, I discovered something that surprised me about myself: I really love married life! I'd always cherished the quotidian joys of spending every day with the person I love most in the world -- that didn't change. But what I love about marriage (or my marriage, anyway is the security of it. If my husband and I had agreed to live together and made a lifelong private commitment to each other, I think that eventually I would have felt insecure. I would have thought, why does my partner not want to make that ultimate level of commitment -- marriage? Even if we'd chosen not to marry for political reasons, I believe that those doubts would have gnawed at me.

So, yes, the personal sense of security I get from being married -- a security that I'm sure many other happily married folks also share -- is definitely one of marriage's benefits. As is the social status -- because, as uncomfortable as I may be with that kind of undeserved privilege, it certainly redounds to my advantage. Not to mention the legal rights and benefits that accrue from marriage -- all 1,049 of them (and counting).

All of which brings me to the change of heart I'd had about gay marriage. It now seems obvious to me that focusing on gay marriage was a stroke of genius on the part of the GLBT groups. It was daring, because it dramatically took issue with conventional wisdom (the same kind of conventional wisdom that has so sagely counseled us that, among other things, Democrats shouldn't oppose the Iraq War, or they'll look weak, and that Democrats shouldn't "go negative" against the President, because that will be unpopular. And on and on).

But it was brilliant, because it gets people right where they live. It exposes the evil lie on the part of conservatives that being gay is about some debased, sinful lifestyle, and makes it crystal clear that what the whole gay rights debate is really about nothing more than the right to love, and to live in dignity.

*****

If you enjoyed this story, visit my blog: The G Spot.

If you enjoyed the accompanying video, visit videographer Travis Mathews' website.