Females Battling Weight Gain

Body Image Issues for Plus Sized Girls

In high school a lot of the girls were thinner than I was, with smaller waists, hips and boobs. I remember feeling like the fattest girl in the room when it was time to change for gym, or at school dances when they'd be wearing mini-skirts and tight dresses. Now, I knew in my head that I wasn't fat, but that I wasn't thin either. I looked different.

I got accustomed to my insecurity and refused to diet like a lot of them did. I figured why look like everyone else? Besides, I had a boyfriend and having a boyfriend in high school means that SOMEONE thinks you're attractive. Even if you feel like a whale in a bikini. I went to college and studied theater and acting, because it was something I loved doing since childhood and wanted to continue. However, if my awkwardness was bad in high school, it got even worse in college.

Every time I did a show, I had to be measured for costumes, something to this day I still cringe at. I used to sneak peeks at other girls head shots and see that they were 115, 120, and 125 pounds. I hadn't been 125 pounds since I was 13 years old. I felt insecure at dance class because all I could look at was the wall-to-wall mirror in front of me. Watching my body attempt to do ballet disgusted me. Ballet was for thin and graceful women, not bulky, muscular girls like me.

Body Image Insecurity

My insecurity had become an incurable disease for me. Throughout college, I met girls with eating disorders, and watched from season to season as they get thinner. I envied their ability to change their body as quickly as they wanted, while I stayed the same.

After college, I set out determined to make a productive acting career and I had done several shows, films, and commercials since. However, I know that my size limits me to character roles, instead of leading ones. I'm 5'4 and lie about being 135 pounds. I read all the pro-curve propaganda there is. I rejoiced when Tyra Banks said "Kiss my fat ass!!" when the paparazzi said she was 160 pounds and looked disgusting. However, I still feel that stab of self-hatred when I'm in a bar with my girlfriends from high school and someone says "God I feel so fat!!!" even though she's about 118 pounds soaking wet. I can only Imagine what she thinks of me.

Being one size below "plus size" isn't very encouraging, but there are redeeming moments. When the girl next to you says "Your boobs are so big and beautiful, I wish I could have them." Or when you're walking down 5th avenue in your tight pencil skirt and silk blouse and you see a group of 4 men stop talking to look at you as you pass. Or when your boyfriend of four years stares at you from across the room in your slinky black dress and patent leather stilletto heels and smiles. Or when he looks deep in your eyes and says how beautiful and sexy you are. Those are the times I enjoy being a size 10, but those moments are few and far between when you're amongst a sea of 120-130 pound girls that are exactly your age.