To admit you have a problem is the first step to recovery. After you've done that, the rest falls into place, if you work it one step at a time. I certainly hope that Lynn Ellignsen will continue fighting that magnet within that keeps pulling her back to drugs each time she relapses. I know how powerful that magnet can be, putting you on the edge of your chair, contemplating whether or not to take that first hit.

When it takes hold of you, your stinkin' thinkin' says, "Just this one time." That's all it takes is one time to start you off where you left in your addiction.

From the first day I observed her on the stand, I could see Ms. Ellingsen's growing courage to voice herself to the defence lawyer Brooks, to try and explain what she's learned about her addiction so that they will hopefully understand what she's been going through.

She explained many times how foggy her memory is regarding what happened many years ago. Even a regular person has difficulty recollecting a couple of years ago, let alone eight years ago. However, I think she has done an astonishing job having to relive each event, even up to the time she witnessed a body hanging in the barn from a chain.

If what she says is true, or even if it's not, it takes courage to do what she's doing. However, we won't know until we hear the final verdict.

When I look back at my life when I was in my addiction it's as Ellingsen says, you block out certain things or stuff them away because, at the time, they don't seem important. Just from listening in court, I've had things come back to me that I'd forgotten about. So today it might be hard to remember everything, but when the time comes, you do recall things that have happened in the past.

The brain is powerful, but I always tell my kids to follow their instincts before the mind takes over. However, when it comes to traumatic incidents, my memories won't let me forget them. I've had many, since my life has been so chaotic. The scars on my body remind me why I have to remain absent from drugs and alcohol.

It was brought to my attention this evening why I used to put up my walls to keep people away and why I used to act tough as though I owned the street. I appeared not to be scared of anything, however there was one thing I feared, and that was being hurt or alone. We hung onto those that had similar unpleasant incidents going on in their lives.

We especially hung on to someone who we thought was special so we wouldn't be alone...no matter if that person did to bring us down. This is a character defect I learned about called co-dependency. Like the saying goes, misery loves company.

Being down on Hastings I didn't want to be alone; I needed that special someone to feel miserable with. I spent years pulling tricks, filling the void of the loneliness and playing Russian Roulette with my life... a life I didn't think much of.

There were times I was disappointed to get out of the car alive and when I did I got high just so I wouldn't feel the disappointment of the life I was living (if you can call it living.) I did it to get away from that one person that I thought was special to me at one time. Besides me, my ex-husband ended up being my worst enemy.

There are still times when my evil twin wants to come out and play, but I remind myself that cleaning up has changed me for the better. There have been times when I've tried and tried to get ahead in life, and some obstacle would interfere with me succeeding; it would take one circumstance to get me down and then I start wondering why I'm even bothering.

That's why I suggest that you don't clean up on your own; listening to the people I met in AA or NA helped me know I wasn't alone. It wasn't just me going through these emotions, and I heard how they coped.

Throughout disappointing times, today I think of the girls whose lives were taken. It's too bad that it took so many women's lives to vanish before we opened our eyes and realized that something has to be done.

As I sit back and watch Ms. Ellingsen struggle with words to explain her definition of hallucination from the affects of cocaine and alcohol vs. acid, I sympathize with her. However, trying to explain to the courts and someone that doesn't have a clue about drugs, I can see, is extremely frustrating for her. She needs to spell it out for Mr. Brooks, defence lawyer, and I too say to myself "Come on already, haven't you been listening?"

When I was violently raped, it was extremely hard for me to tell strangers what happened to me, and to take the stand in front of the accused was almost out of the question. When I walked into the courtroom, seeing the accused sitting in his seat, I turned around and ran out trembling with fear, right into the police officers who were there the evening it happened.

It took a couple people to walk me in to the witness stand and it took every bit of strength for my ex at the time not to kill him. So I know what Ms. Ellingsen's going through. I know how it feels to have people look down their noses at you because you were an addict, let alone a prostitute.

I wouldn't want to be any of these witnesses that have taken the stand. I know how the courts work and how they can make you out to be worse than you are. So far, I've heard talk about having sex, how often, in which way the favors were performed...Something I think about often because it has scarred my life. I feel nauseous at the thought of having to put out for Pickton.

Earlier in the year, I was talking about legalizing prostitution; I'm thinking twice about that comment I made. I don't think there is anything you can do that will stop girls from destroying their lives by being somebody's marionette. Making it harder for johns to pick up girls might help, or having a monitored red light district. Is there a solution? Who knows, it will take trials and errors to figure this out.