MONDAY
Hurrah! It's Bank Holiday Monday. Time to sit back, relax and watch a film you've already seen a hundred times all over again. Today, we opted for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It was ace. Well, apart from Willie Scott, but then she's always annoying. Sadly though, our day's viewing was rudely interrupted by Mathieu Flamini who, perhaps inspired by the globetrotting antics of Dr Jones, has travelled to Italy to sign for AC Milan.
Flamini has been linked with an Emirates exit for some time now, but many expected him to join Milan's rivals Inter. AC Sporting director Arido Braida is pleased with the coup. "Although no negotiations are never easy, it wasn't difficult to convince Flamini to join Milan," he says. "Flamini has made a choice as his contract with Arsenal is coming to an end and we are delighted he has chosen Milan. He is a very good player and he can offer a lot to the team."
Also getting in the way of us, Indy and the Sankara Stones is the Premier League, who have decided that 4pm on a Bank Holiday afternoon is a good time to play football. Chelsea and Newcastle clearly disagree though, because they spend much of the first half of their game at St James' Park blasting the ball over the crossbar perhaps as some form of protest. Things get better in the second half as Michael Ballack and Florent Malouda score to hand Chelsea a precious victory, but really, Temple of Doom would have been far preferable. Kali Ma, football. Kali Ma!
TUESDAY
Can you hear that? You can't? No surprise really, because that's the sound of the smallest violin in the world playing the saddest song in the world, and musical instruments that teeny don't tend to make much of a sound. It's playing for Kevin Keegan, because the poor fella's feeling a bit grumpy today. The Newcastle manager reckons English football is getting predictable, saying the Premier League is "in danger of becoming one of the most boring, but great, leagues".
Wait, this is the Premier League we're talking about here, right? The same Premier League which is going into the final day with the title race and relegation battle still up in the air? We're confused Kevin. Why are you so frustrated? "I was thinking, 'What have I got to do next year to get near Chelsea?' - and the truth is there's nothing I can do. I haven't got enough money and I wouldn't be able to get the players anyway." Aaaah, he's just realised the St James' Park honeymoon is over. Bless.
Never far away from a soundbite, Jose Mourinho begs to differ with Kev. The former Chelsea manager reckons England and English football is fantastic, saying: "I love England. The time there gave me very, very, very much pleasure." Jose? Magnanimous? Never! "And we contributed a lot to English club football becoming the dominating force in the world," he adds to further cement his iconic reputation in, well, his own head.
WEDNESDAY
You're two games into a new job. You've just taken over from your deeply unpopular predecessor who failed to reach even the basic targets set for him. You'd think expectations would be duly lowered and you'd be given time to bed in. Not if you're Fabio Capello. Just a few months after hiring him, the Football Association have already dictated what the Italian must achieve in the next few years.
As part of their Major Milestones vision, the FA have insisted that Capello take England to at least the semi-finals of the 2010 World Cup in South Africa or the 2012 European Championships in Ukraine and Poland. England haven't made it to the final four of a major championship since Euro 96 and Italia 90 before that, but Capello is optimistic. "The team is capable of reaching these targets," he says, rather uninspiringly.
While Fabio is just getting used to his new job, Avram Grant is being pushed out of his. Or maybe not. Today's papers reckon that all this talk of his grumpiness being sacked after less than a season in charge at Stamford Bridge is nonsense. Instead, he's going to wilfully step aside so Barcelona manager Frank Rijkaard can take over. What's even more insane is that the source for all this is Grant's "close pal - Portsmouth player Richard Hughes". Yes, because he's clearly an authority on the ins and outs of Stamford Bride.
THURSDAY
We love Sven-Goran Eriksson, we really do. Maybe it's his amusing pronunciation of Wayne Rooney, or his calm demeanour in the face of almost any kind of disaster or the fact he always seems slightly confused, as he proves today. Following all the rumours of his departure from Man City last week, Sven has confirmed that he's been in talks with Benfica about taking over at the Portuguese club. "I've had a meeting with the Benfica people," he says. "I'm considering the offer and it could be a step forward in my career. Let's see what happens." But Sven, you've managed them before, surely it's a step back?
You know what the only thing more boring than the Premier League is. People discussing whether it's boring or not. Sir Alex Ferguson is the latest to chip in on the Kevin Keegan-generated discussion, and he's not having any of it. "Domination in the Premier League is very difficult and it's not a word that will be used again," says the Scot. "People have been saying for some time now that the Premier League is the best football championship in Europe, if not the world. This season's championship race simply underlines this point."
Meanwhile, we've learnt something today: Slovakia apparently has good grass. No, not that kind of grass, get your mind out of the gutter. The proper kind, the stuff you play on. We know this because Russian officials have decided to pay £160,000 for some of the Slovakian green to be flown into Champions League final venue the Luzhniki Stadium, because the existing pitch isn't good enough. "It was always the wrong selection of turf. I told them nine months ago," says pitch expert Matthew Frost, who has perhaps the dullest job in the world.
FRIDAY
So this is it. The day before the day before the day the Premier League concludes. Exciting, huh? Well, not for Owen Hargreaves it would seem. The Manchester United midfielder has already experienced final day thrills and spills during his time at Bayern Munich and he doesn't really seem bothered by his current team's top-of-the-table tussle with Chelsea. "To be in this position feels comfortable for me. I've been there before," he says. Boring git.
Thankfully Sir Alex Ferguson is always good value for money. He's a bit narked today because he fears Bolton won't put up a fair fight in their final day clash at Stamford Bridge now they've avoided relegation. "Nobody is saying anything about Bolton," he says, before saying something about Bolton. "People have questioned Wigan's integrity but when you look at it, the different attitudes are quite interesting. One can celebrate and the other is all keyed up to play against Manchester United."
Finally, at the bottom, Reading need to beat Derby at Pride Park and hope Fulham don't win at Portsmouth to avoid relegation, and they're doing all they can to make sure that happens, even enlisting God to be on their side. Club chaplain Steve Prince has said he will be praying for a Reading win and asking his Portsmouth counterpart to do the same thing for a Pompey triumph at Fratton Park. Wait, isn't that cheating?