Wide and Far

I now have 6 ex’s, four in Britain and two in New Zealand. No snide comments about sowing my oats wide and far at the back please! I don’t speak to my first ex, something that probably suits both of us. I should have dumped her sooner than I did. The relationship wasn't working and was only prolonged in it's agony by me trying to square the circle of wanting out but not wanting to hurt anybody. This is a dilemma we all face at one time; remembering the duel-sided nature of cruelty and kindness is essential at these times. If you forget, lo and behold you end up doing the opposite in practice of what you intend in theory.

When it comes to the intricacies of the 'ex-factor' the question of who dumps who is a crucial one. Think about it, it is common sense; rejection and the feelings stirred by that are harder to deal with than deciding whether or not to wield the axe. If you are dumper, sure you might be disappointed but ultimately it wasn’t what you wanted. You may experience a pang of remorse or regret, but in reality you are glad its not you left wondering why and feeling completely inadequate. So, being on the ball in the relationship is crucial. If you grin and bear an obviously impossible situation or fail to read between the lines of your partners’ feelings then you will probably end up in the rag doll ‘Reject’ bin.

Having sorted out the wherefores the next most crucial question is why? I have been rejected on grounds that were so spurious that I can't even remember what they were now. One reason that was cited to me in a different relationship was that my heart had contained an 'ocean of love' compared to my ex’s' 'lake'. Neither of which is helpful to me since I can’t swim.

Obviously if you were cheating or committing some such other deadly relationship sin then the reason is glaringly apparent. However, if you are given no definite reason then your mind, already convinced that you are at fault, wanders off in various dark directions: Was I bad in bed? Did I mistreat the person in question? Is there somebody else involved?

Some of my ex’s have taken slight offence that I asked for an explanation of their decisions. Things are because they are because they are. Not only does a vague reason increase the scope of self-torture but it can cruelly prolongs hope since it gives the appearance that the breake doesn't know their own mind and thus ipso facto can maybe be swayed back. Responsible breakee's are those that give a clear cut reason. It’s a bit like the difference between having your arm cut off with a kitchen knife or a samurai sword. I was less than impressed when I was rejected on the grounds of the imminent pregnancy of my other half – not with my child of course, but with her alleged ex’s. However, looking back I recognise that split as being less painful than others.

Cure all

After the axe falls there are plenty of cure all phrases to patch up a broken heart. All of them contain a grain of truth but are pretty redundant at the time. Plenty more fish may swim your way from the sea but if fishing was what you wanted to do with your time you would have spent more time with Uncle Tom down by the river bank and less on kiss chase behind the bike sheds. Besides, if it was other girls you had wanted then you would have been dating other girls.

For the pro-active, there is the classic: ’the best way to get over somebody is get under somebody else'. I can't say I have any direct experience that proves the benefits of this strategy. However, I have seen convincing evidence for the prosecution from a few of my friends. Thinking off the top of my head i have yet to encounter anybody who has recovered from a serious emotional blow through lashings of casual sex. Sure its good fun for one night and you feel wanted again but by the time the alka-seltzer dissolves so has that feeling. The connection you had with your ex was much more intimate and personal than the one you will ever have with that big-busted brunette or strapping hunk from the local club.

However, my maxim is the emotional equivalent: You can't fully move on until you have somewhere to move too. Most of us need love as much as we need food. When we are children we get that mostly off of our immediate relations and parents. Adulthood however sees us looking further a-field. Comfort for a broken heart from friends and family is of course helpful but it is no substitute for what you have just lost. This may frustrate the your would be healers but it is the truth. In reality their goal should be to nurse the shattered heart back to health and then let it fly free again.

Different story

If it is an ex moving on the story can be a little different. Depending on how much the relationship meant such news can either result in a wry smile or a facial landslide. Carol's new boyfriend seems to be the one i talk to more now but this barely registers a blip on my emotional radar. This was another net episode. I met her and found out completely by accident, from her parents, she was married. Trust was lost and my insecurities took over. I dumped her.

Fast forward through Vanessa to Shiloh and my feelings were totally different. Maybe I wasn’t really over Shiloh or my pride really is that deeply felt but I more than bristled when she tried to enlist her new partners help moving my old stuff, a TV and DVD player which I had given her, to her’s on my last day in New Zealand. Either way my feelings were hurt. However, maybe there was something else at play here. Yes I was the rejected but the reasoning was also hazy; Shiloh is she of the 'lake of love' fame.

Do ex's carry any responsibility after the end of the relationship for the feelings and well being of the other party? Does the end of the relationship mean the end of consideration? That rather depends on what was said at the time, in the throes of passion. If, for example, you said 'I will be there for you whatever happens' [mentioning no names] then, if you view a word as being a bond, the answer is yes. However, one would hope that such things were done because of the inherent worth of the person you were assisting/supporting. If it truly was not that persons fault then they deserve some consideration in the ending of the relationship. Unclean breaks cause pain and more heartache than is strictly necessary. Maybe that could be shortened and made into a bumper sticker slogan.

Lets be friends

One of the commonest forms of an unclean break is the very sticky and very complicated world of post-relationship friendships. Here the necessity of cleanliness becomes even greater. If f lovers become friends then the kind of emotional pressure generated by a split can immediately throw the friendship into crisis.

In my experience, ex's can never be just another friend. How many of your friends have you seen naked and/or slept with? Who is thinking one or two now? Even more interestingly who is thinking three or four? Seriously though there is a difference. Friendly ex's have a kind of intimate knowledge friends will never have, both emotional and physical. Ex's thus end up in a kind of emotional limbo, somewhere between being more than friends but less than partners. Things really are never the same again.

Is it best to try and be friends afterwards? Of the two ex’s who I still have closest contact with neither friendship was particularly stable for a long time. We sniped and alluded to things unsaid and feelings buried deep.

I think generally it’s wrong to rush into friendship, especially if one party is badly injured. Space and time to heal and readjust is what is needed. Trying to carry on a friendship relationship immediately afterwards allows for no or improper closure. One party has to watch the other suffer and the other is left with a painful sliver of hope lodged in there heart like the tip of a poisoned dagger; Lord of the Rings fans will understand the analogy with a Morgul blade. So, guilt and recrimination corrode the friendship.

Friendship is often offered as a consolation prize: ‘Well at least you aren’t going to lose me totally….’, but of course you are. You are losing a connection which meant so much more. It is a bit like having a BMW, writing it off, and then being offered a Mini as a replacement car. True, you won’t be without a car but, for the first few weeks or months you are painfully aware that you had something so much better before.

It’s hard to pronounce generally on something which is so specific to personal to each situation. Some people slot back into friendship straight away but for others it simply doesn’t work. Relationships are complicated, confusing things which often appear to cause more heartache than they worth. Any assumption that all of this magically stops when they end is far from the truth.