Living in an imperfect world life is always likely to be stressful for the 'perfectionist'. Somewhere in the past they learned that if the task was not done perfectly they not only had no right to be happy, they should also feel guilty. That's why it's always a good move to make the shift from perfectionist to 'completionist'.
Most of us have a cupboard or a drawer somewhere that we open once or twice a year. As we survey the cluttered chaos within, we create that thought, "I'm going to tidy the drawer". Then we shut the drawer and walk away. Little do we realize the drawer now exists as an incomplete task in two places, the second place being in our own heads! It's as if we carry the drawer with us in our consciousness as unfinished business. We have made a commitment to do something then we avoid fulfilling the commitment. Nothing wrong with that you may say but what we often don't realize is that our unfulfilled commitment is subtly draining our mental energy. Every time we look at the drawer, or just think about the drawer, it reminds us of a job yet to do and a few 'units' of mental energy are siphoned off in the direction of the drawer.
If we were to take a few moments to reflect we might find we have a substantial list of such tasks backing up within our consciousness like traffic on a busy road. Each one quietly draining tiny amounts of energy that in total is not so tiny. There's that long promised tennis match with David, dinner with Jenny, garden wall to repair, bathroom to tile etc. Individually they seem insubstantial but collectively, after some time they may feel like a burden that we are carrying. And for the perfectionist, many if not most of the tasks are being avoided because they know they cannot be done perfectly, they will not be perfect experiences.
Regardless of whether you are perfectionist or not it’s much easier and less stressful to be a completionist. And then, with such practical things as untidy drawers and dates with Jenny you can apply the rule of the 3 Ds. Do it. Delegate it. Ditch it.
'Doing it' is the obvious solution but we are procrastinating. Procrastination is not only the thief of time it is a state of inertia in relation to the task. We say to ourselves, "I'll do it when I feel like it and right now I don't feel like it." But how do you get to feel like doing something? The answer lies in the past. Remember that letter you had to write and you put it off for ages. Then one day you said, "Alright then, I'll do it". And then, once a couple of lines were down it started to flow. It began to feel OK as you were doing it. So how did you get into the feeling of flow? Only by starting. It's getting started that is the key. Overcoming the inertia is the secret. And there are many ways to get started. Like the Salami Technique and slicing up the task into very small chunks and doing one chunk at a time. You could do the messy parts of the job first and once that's out the way enjoy the more creative aspects. You could do a Pros and Cons list and talk yourself into it with so many advantages of getting the task done. But if the disadvantages well outweigh the advantages then you have the perfect reason to 'ditch it'!
'Delegating it' is always a good way to lighten the load, being careful of course that the other does not feel dumped on! But maybe you only look in the drawer or cupboard once a year so why not just 'ditch it'. It's not going to make a difference unless you desperately need the space. Do you 'have' to do it? No! So forget it. And of course 'deferring it' is what you have been doing for too long already so unless you have a very good reason to continue procrastinating, then forget that particular D! In which case the 4th D will be required… Determination.
In the material world of objects and things, and the practical world of processes and tasks, completion can be achieved, seen and measured. But in the intangible world of one’s inner self, 'completion' takes on a new meaning. Thinking, for example, is never complete in itself. Thoughts are always parts of something and connected to other thoughts. They are never ending. And what is a complete feeling? How do you know a feeling is complete? You don't because you have left the territory of quantity and entered the territory of quality and it is impossible to measure the complete quality of anything. In fact the term 'complete quality' is probably an oxymoron.
And then of course there is your 'self'. Are you complete? What does it mean to be complete in your self? Does it mean you are completely you or you are completed? On some spiritual paths becoming complete is a stated aim. But how can you ever know you are complete when on the same path there is an implicit understanding that the true self is infinite and unlimited? And if the aim is completion then it implies that you are incomplete and therefore something is missing. But what could be missing? What can you lose from your self? Does something drop off like a hubcap from a car wheel? We can lose a bit of our body but what about our 'self'. What have YOU lost? Where did it go? Who has it now? Actually it's absurd to 'think' you have lost anything of your self. Thoughts, feelings, ideas, intentions, beliefs, values, attitudes are not quantitative objects that can be physically picked up and put down. They are your creation moment by moment. And have you ever lost the ability to create any of them? No. It's not possible. But your capacity to create high quality thoughts, feelings etc. may vary.
No one can ever take a part of you because you can never be a 'part', and you can never be parted from your self. You are always you. Being incomplete is impossible. However what can happen are your capacities and abilities can be temporarily diminished. Step back into the material world for a second and as you walk round an armory or a jeweler’s shop you could say one has the 'complete range' of armaments and the other the 'complete range' of jewels.
In the context of our self the idea of 'complete range' would apply to your capacities or abilities. For example, if you are not able to tolerate a certain person or situation, if you easily lose patience with someone, if you are unable to be compassionate towards another's suffering, if you cannot give wholehearted encouragement to someone's honest endeavors, if any one of these and many other capacities/abilities were missing from you in the moments that they are required, then you could not consider your self complete…yet!
Something within you is blocking or sabotaging your ability to be tolerant, patient, compassionate or encouraging. So although you can never be an incomplete 'being' you will feel a sense of incompleteness as you struggle to respond to certain people and situations. The inner blockage is a temporary aberration of the energy of your consciousness (your 'self') and it's normally caused by some form of attachment to a painful memory, a wrong belief or simply an illusion that you have assimilated along the way called life. Sometimes this is called 'your karma'. The action (karma) of creating and attaching to those memories/beliefs/illusions in the past is what is distorting and crippling your capacities and abilities in the present.
The profile of the individual with the complete set of capacities and abilities would probably look like that of a saint, but it is also the potential of every single human being. Which is why if you step on to any authentic spiritual path you will quickly become aware of what is missing from your armory, from your range of capacities and abilities. And you will recognize your aim on that path, which is to fully restore your 'complete range'. And you will know your restoration is completed only when no person, situation or event 'phases' you. Nothing bothers you. No one can trouble you, because you have realized 'trouble' was never out there, it was always in you. And now it is no more.
Question:
In what situations and in which relationships do you feel most inadequate to deal with?
Reflection:
What capacities and abilities do you need to develop to be 'trouble free' in those situations/relationships?
Action:
This week, where practical, consciously move towards those situations and relationships and practice the capacities and abilities.