Whether you are a teenager on your game console, an executive on the corporate ladder or a mother with attention seeking children, it’s not hard to create the perception of being under pressure.
It’s all magnified and turbocharged by the information age which provides instant access to the latest games, the latest corporate moves and the latest mothering techniques etc. all streaming to a computer, mobile or television near you. If the last generation felt the pressure to perform, then this generation feels the pressure to perform and achieve more, and the upcoming generation feels the pressure to perform, achieve and cram.
Intense ‘time consumption’ taken up by ‘information processing’ then generates the feeling of a ‘time famine’. We allow the empty, quiet and reflective spaces that used to punctuate our lives to be squeezed out by more activities as we increasingly surrender our attention to ever more varied sources of electronic stimulation.
This shrinking of time and space is most visibly seen and invisibly felt when we act and interact with others. As we feel the pressure to act faster, action becomes reaction and reaction becomes habit. How often have you created an awkward situation because you let the words just tumble out or the emotion just erupt?
Whenever we react instead of respond, it means we have ‘collapsed’ the natural space in our consciousness between receiving/perceiving the event and our action in response. To react is to allow conditioned habits to take us over and shape our thoughts, feelings and actions. When this happens, it’s usually a combination of laziness and lack of awareness.
It is lazy because it’s easier to react than create a considered response. But the price we pay is often the guilt and regret that accompany such thoughts as, “I can’t believe I just said that, it just came out that way, I couldn’t help my self”. Over time, as our reactive habits become deeper, the state of our relationships may reflect our lack of thoughtful consideration, and even our health may reflect the unruly negativity that usually lives buried in reactive patterns.
It means we have lost our awareness of our ‘inner space’. We have lost our natural capacity to create a ‘space of time’ between the event and our response, between how we perceive the other and how we respond to the other. It’s in this space that we are able to bring the eye of our intellect to calmly see the scene or situation, listen to our natural wisdom (intuition), discern the most appropriate response and then create it.
If you take a moment to reflect, you’ll notice that any ‘reaction’ (not response) to anyone or anything just seems to happen. You may also notice the presence of emotion. All reaction is emotionally driven, even though the flaring of emotion may be short-lived. In such moments it’s as if the emotion is in control of the self. And if we allow our reactive tendencies to grow it can easily feel our life is out of control.
Whether it’s the occasional isolated incident, or a daily pattern, the only solution is to interrupt the reactive patterns and relearn how to create ‘space of time’ between the event and the action, between stimulus and response.
This can seem challenging, even difficult, at first. It feels like we are going against the very grain of our programming. And we are. So it’s good to start with simple, easy methods to get a taste for the value and benefit of creating a gap between life as it arrives to you, and then how you deal with it.
Here are some techniques and methods to get you started.
Ten Techniques to Create Space of Time
1. Counting to 10
This is the old favorite method to create space between the event and your response. You may only need to reach 6 and when you do, you know you have effectively pushed your inner pause button.
2. Deep breathing
Try taking a complete slow breath cycle (in and out) before you speak, or two complete cycles, or four cycles. It not only becomes a good habit but you will notice how relaxed your body becomes and how calm your mind can become.
3. Thought stopping
Not so easy but nevertheless effective. Imagine a train traveling between stations slowing down and then stopping on the line (we have all had that experience!). So allow your ‘train of thought’ to do the same. You are not stuck, just waiting for the signals to change. In the meantime you have time to consider. And then slowly move forward again.
4. Humor
Find something in what the other has said or done that is light and humorous and focus on that before you respond. It softens your perception and interrupts any sharp emotions.
5. Visualization
If you have a ‘challenge’ with one particular person then take a few moments before you know you will meet them to visualize them in a positive light. Surround them with good wishes in your mind. Then, when you encounter them in reality recall your visualization if things get ‘sticky’ and you feel a ‘reaction’ arising.
6. Sip your water in the meeting
Stuck in a meeting? Becoming increasingly reactive (emotional) as the meeting wears on? Start waiting till after you have reached out, picked up your glass, and sipped some water, before you respond. And if someone takes your airtime away then let them. It gives you more time to reflect and consider. You might be surprised how often you realize what you were going to say isn’t that important.
7. Ask them to repeat what they said
Always a good way to buy some time. Just say, “I didn’t quite get that, could you run it past me again please”. You did get it, but now you have some space to craft your response.
8. Delay
You could actually say to the other, “I’d like to think about this for a few moments, or a few hours, or a few weeks”! And give your self a big space.
9. Be honest
There is nothing to beat being honest. Instead of letting the emotion translate into words and a emotive reaction you could just say, “Look right now I am feeling a bit reactive, my emotions are running high around this issue and getting the better of me. Can we come back to it later?” When you do this it means you are consciously facing and acknowledging your emotional state and that in itself will diminish the power of the emotion to hijack your thoughts and actions.
10. Meditate
If you are a practicing meditator you will already know that you become much less reactive when you build moments of meditation into your day. This is because meditation itself is the creation of space, inner space, which is beyond time. It is the habit of going into your own inner timeless dimension, your consciousness. And when you practice you will find you are able to do it anywhere anytime but not lose your awareness of what is going on in the time driven world around you.
Question:
With whom do you find yourself slipping into ‘reactive’ mode most easily and most frequently? List three people.
Reflection:
Which of the above methods would be most appropriate for each person when it happens?
Action:
Test-drive your preferred techniques this week.