Without an exchange of respect a relationship will not be an open and harmonious communication.

But sometimes we confuse respect with fear, a lesson usually learned in the playground at school. So we think we are respecting the other but don’t realize the subtle presence of fear. And it is this fear that stops the relationship from flowering even though we may believe we are being respectful. Somewhere in our past we learned to be fearful of ‘the other’. We learned that it was possible to experience loss and when we believe in loss we create the emotion of fear. Worry being one of the most common faces.

That was then followed by the perception that ‘other people’ are responsible for our losses and so we perceive others as a threat and so create fear in certain relationships thus blocking or distorting the flow of energy in the relationship. Although it’s not hard to follow this trail in theory it’s tricky to see it within our self in our daily reality. It tends to be a subtle, automatic reaction we have been creating for some time. It is a reaction that we have programmed into our own consciousness. The only way to ‘cure’ it, is to realize we have nothing to lose or, to put it more accurately, there is nothing of ‘real value’ that we can lose.

Only then is a fearless response possible, only then can we hold the other in the highest vision and not as a threat, only then is real respect possible, and only then can a relationship, any relationship, blossom to its full potential.

So lets back up a little and explore what’s really going on within our self when we find it difficult to respect the other. Forgive me for the occasional repetition of ideas. As we have seen, during those times when we are not able to give respect, which means to affirm the value of the other, it means we are not able to affirm our own value, we have lost our own self respect.

As the old saying reminds us, you cannot give what you do not have. Instead of respect we emit fear or anger, though it may not be obvious as we become good at disguising our fears and angers. The fear emerges because we consciously or subconsciously perceive the other as a threat. A threat to what? A threat to ‘something’ we believe we can lose, upon which we have wrongly learned to base our self-respect and self-esteem.

This is usually something to do with our position, or reputation in the eyes of others, perhaps some power over others, or the possessions we hold. When we fear losing any of these things it also means we do not know our true self behind and beyond these things. It means we have learned to identify our self with these ‘things’ (position, reputation, possessions) and so we start to depend on them to get the respect of others, not realizing we are operating from an incorrect sense of identity. And when we do seem to ‘get respect’ for these things we become dependent on an external source for our respect, and expectations are born.

But if our self-identity and self-knowledge were accurate we would not depend on any of these things to get respect from others, we would be able to access authentic self-respect. This comes from knowing what we are internally. It comes from knowing that what is of ‘real value’ in life is innate and internal and can never be lost, it can never be taken from us. And those ‘internals’ are known as love, as peace, as wisdom, as truth. All the things we seek externally.

Respect is simply a formal form of love. It is love played with a ‘straight bat’… so to speak! When real love is at work in life it can be seen and sensed wherever there is genuine ‘unity’. Where there is love there is union. The atmosphere will be light and harmoniousness. When respect is given it creates a connection with the other and establishes a formal foundation for an exchange of energy, at whatever level, that doesn’t ‘jar’ in any way.

In time, the exchange may ‘warm up’ a little, as each comes to know the other and to know their self in the mirror of the other. But this can only happen when each person is connected to their own heart, to the core of their own being, where the energy of love (not the energy of desire) lives. When you see or feel disharmony in a relationship there will be a ‘jarring’, an awkwardness in the exchange. This simply means that one or both parties are disconnected from what is ‘real’ within themselves.

They are not connected to their own heart. They are connecting to, identifying with, and therefore thinking about, something to do with their position, reputation, possessions etc, something external to the self. When we connect to and identify with such ‘things’ while interacting with others, then that subtle fear (of loss) arises and shapes the energy we give to the other. Deep down we know subconsciously that we are making a subtle mistake and this is how we sabotage our self-respect.

It’s as if we have forgotten or lost our awareness of our own true value, our true worth, upon which our dignity is based, and from where our ‘loving’ energy will come. This is why we often have an instant respect for someone who has broken their dependence on ‘externals’ for their self-respect. They are free spirits, unconcerned about what others think of them or what may happen to what they have. We can sense the authenticity of their self-respect as it comes from their heart and not a business card, a wallet or an address. And in that encounter it’s as if they reawaken our own authentic respect for our self in a passing moment of ‘resonance’.

A Brief History of Respect

The word respect is a combination of two meanings. ‘Spect’ means to look/see and ‘re’ means again. It is likely there was a time in history when respect was automatic, which means there was a natural open exchange of loving energy that connected two people regardless of their history or circumstances. This ‘natural’ exchange would have been informal but not familiar, open but not naked, warm but not emotional. And it’s likely there came a time, a moment, when someone somewhere lost that natural ability to just be naturally, warm, open and at ease with others.

Suddenly, as our sense of identity shifts from internal to the ‘externals’ we learned to build barriers behind which we start to see others as a threat. We begin to judge and criticize them, attacking them, even just mentally, in order to defend. And perhaps a few, sensing this was happening, sensing rising levels of mutual anxiety and animosity, suggested the idea of ‘looking again’ (re… spect…ing) and seeing behind whatever faults or foibles, whatever violent or devious deeds, to always see the original core, the true heart of ‘the other’, their original goodness hidden behind the now visibly imperfect, not such good, character.

And so the ‘idea’ of respect was born… perhaps… in such a way. And so love was made formal. It was then gradually embodied and enshrined in customs and codes in such a way that preserved love as ‘respectfulness’. From there comes the idea of being ‘respectable’ and the categorization of those who are respectable upstanding citizens, and those who are…well…not so respectable. And here we are today in cultures based on class and caste, and depending on which you are deemed to ‘belong’, so is your level or ‘respect worthiness’. The origin, growth, stagnation and decay of respect has its own story.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter so much the why and the how respect came into existence as an idea and a set of formal behaviors. What matters more is the way to give it; the importance of giving it and the effect it has on ones self and others.

It would certainly involve four basic steps:

First is the acceptance of the other as they are in this moment, and acceptance of whatever they have said or done prior to this moment. Acceptance does not of course mean agreement or the condoning of what may have been done.

Second is the acknowledgment of the other’s presence in this moment.

Third is the appreciation of their being present, and for who they are, simply as a human being free of any history or herstory!

Fourth is the affirmation of their innate worth and goodness as a human being through an unconditional positive regard.

This is not an easy vision to sustain, nor are these easy steps to take in a culture which tends to seek out, accentuate and even exaggerate the opposite i.e. the nastiness of others.

This is why, in spiritual terms, it helps to guard against the negative perceptions that others have of others. If we are easily influenced we will fall into the trap of constantly ‘seeing’ the weaknesses and faults of others, affirm those weaknesses, and miss what lies beneath. In so doing we miss the opportunity to respect someone and thereby connect at a deeper level.

And that leaves us with just one question. How do we respond to someone’s continued negative attitude and behavior towards us? Without writing another article the shortest answer - the five inner steps:

a) Realize they are simply not being themselves at that moment, but they themselves don’t know that at the time (don’t tell them that, simply ground your vision of them in that understanding)

b) Don’t take it personally. They are simply projecting their loss of self-awareness onto you. They are dumping their confusion, their temporary negativity onto you.

c) See past their negativity and hold their innate, original, authentic (whatever you prefer to call it) goodness, which they can never lose (just as you can never lose yours) in your vision.

d) Understand they are there to teach you something, so seek the lesson.

e) Be aware that suffering is a cry for help – they are suffering and therefore crying for help.

Do you have the strength to help them (accept/acknowledge/appreciate/affirm) or will you/are you crying too? If you truly feel you are not yet strong enough to face them that is simply a sign that you need to build your ‘spiritual muscles’ which means it’s time to take some time out to meditate, study, get to know your true self, connect with your core values, practice selfless giving which means the application of those values, as much as possible be with people who are doing the same inner work and re prioritize your priorities in your life. Not exactly an afternoon’s work!

Question:

When you are not able to respect someone what are you feeling exactly and why?

Reflection:

Why must your self-respect be based internally and be sourced externally?

Action:

Deliberately seek out a difficult situation or relationship this week and face it fully to test and strengthen the level/depth of your self-respect.