I tried a few options, one of which was burning the hairs off with a cigarette lighter. Now that was all well and good for toe hair. Yes I admit it, I get three fuzzy blonde hairs on my big toe. But there are parts of my body which I wish to be hairless that are, how should we say.. much too delicate to take a cigarette lighter anywhere near.

I really don't fancy burning my pits.

Next.

I tried hair removal creams.

That didn't work. I was allergic to them, all of them. I came up with huge red lumps which Helen Keller could have used as classic Braille examples and it was so itchy that I could have taken a hair brush to it and rubbed away furiously.

I was running out of options fast. So I decided to step off the abyss. It was time to venture where fools step and angels fear to tread.

It was time to think about waxing.

So far ,I had avoided even thinking about wax. To be perfectly honest slathering wax on my bits and then savagely tearing off agonizing strips of hair and my skin, just didn't appeal to me. But drastic times call for drastic measures. I'm not one to be bothered much by pain - hell, I have six kids. Surely waxing couldn't be too bad.

So off I wandered to the local pharmacy to get me some wax.

I walked in and looked around and of course, I had no clue so I had to walk up to the snotty blonde makeup assistant with the college degree and ask her where the waxes were. Without even looking up from her deep inspection of her fingernails, she vapidly wafted her arm in the general direction of one of the aisles.

So off I set. I soon found the waxes, hundreds of them, all sizes and descriptions. I never knew there was so many types of wax, it seemed there was a wax for all occasions. In no time at all I was sitting, mid-aisle, surrounded by a semi circle of various wax boxes.

Soft wax, hard wax, colored wax, organic wax, super duper wax, sex wax ... okay, that last one wasn't there but I always get a laugh out of Keanu Reeves and Sex wax surfboard wax in Point Break.

I was lost in a sea of wax and I had no clue. I wanted an all over wax. One I could use on my legs, my toes, under my arms and my bits. Yes I wanted to wax my bits.

Ninety-nine per cent of the waxes specifically stated "not to be used on bits" so my pile soon dwindled to about 30 waxes to choose from and I was even more lost than when I had first stepped foot in the door. I peered up to the end of the aisle where I could see bimbo still examining her fingernails.. hmm, maybe she was really a wax doll from Madame Trassaurds and not human after all.

I sighed and got up from the floor, lined about 20 waxes up on a shelf, leaving the rest still on the floor and walked up to her once again. I waited until she had finished examining her pinky fingernail and said, "Umm excuse me. I am lost. I am looking at waxes and don't know which one is suitable for what I want it for."

She looked me up and down, screwed up her nose and grimaced. "I suppose you want a leg wax do you?"

Well, you all know me by now and I didn't take to well to the condescending tone so I answered her rather snootily back. "No, I need a box and bits wax please."

I was satisfied to see her composure drop along with her mouth for a moment before she turned on her heels and stomped up the aisle towards my wax pile. She stopped with her hands on her hips and without even glancing at my carefully lined up selections, swept them aside in one foul swoop, reached up to the top shelf and picked up the largest and most expensive wax on the shelf.

She placed it in my hands, "This is the only wax for THAT" and with THAT she turned tail again, marched off back to her counter and before I could even look down at the product in my hands was busily occupied examining those fingernails yet again. I sighed and shrugged, oh well, try anything once.

I looked at my pile of waxes, lying discarded on the floor and grinned.

"Oh dear I hope she doesn't break those precious nails putting them all back neatly on the shelf," I thought, as I walked up to the payment counter with my precious package of gold …. I mean wax under my arm, along with the $25 to pay for it.

I arrived home and waited for the opportune time to start my big wax on, wax off event. After dinner I settled the kids down for a movie in the lounge, snuck off to the kitchen to heat the wax up in the microwave and then troddled off to the bedroom to prepare.

I stripped naked and sat down on a towel with my little pot of wax in front of me and read the directions. Opening the lid, I was assaulted by the rather strong aroma of orchids, which would have been much more pleasant in half quantity scent only. I looked down and thought immediately of purple bubble gum as I stirred the mass in the pot.

Okay, this seemed pretty easy, I thought. So easing myself into the whole wax experience, I started off by smothering my legs in the warm purple goo. I grimaced as I tore the wax off and looked down to see the result.

WOW. As smooth as a baby's bottom.

It was amazing and I soon figured that it wasn't THAT painful if you closed your eyes really really tight, counted to three and on the count of two ripped it off with great speed and force. The wax was so stringy, it was much worse than trying to get fairy floss cotton candy on a stick at a fair. There was strings of wax and gloops all over. In my hair, between my toes, on my fingers, under my fingernails…. Ah ha, that was why bimbo was so fascinated with her fingernails.. she waxed last night!

It wasn't long before I had a little pile of discard purple globs with spiky brown hairs stuck in them at one end of my towel. By the time I finished my now stunning legs, the wax had started to cool dramatically so I put my kimono on and went to reheat it in the microwave.

I can be blonde at times.

After returning to the bedroom, I stripped off the kimono, stirred the now soft wax, lifted my leg and placed it on my recliner and smeared a great gloop of wax down the side of my bits.

EEEEEEEEEEEE YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOW! Hot Hot Hot.. Burning burning. Hot Hot HOOOOOOT!

I had reheated the wax according to the direction forgetting completely that there was now only half the wax that was in the jar in the first place. Overkill.. can you say boiling wax?

Tears poured out of my eyes as I screamed and started hobbling madly around the room bandy legged and by this time all waxed together.

Of course, the commotion I made was enough to wake the dead, so my husband and kids came running into the bedroom at full speed to see what was killing their mum only to find a naked woman hopping around on her toes with purple wax globules dripping off her bits, screeching and jerking around.

They laughed. And laughed. I was in so much pain and they sat there and laughed at me. And then they laughed some more as they exited the bedroom and returned to their movie, still laughing.

I could hear them still chuckling as I peeled the now set wax off my bits and padded my now red bits with a soft fluffy towel which promptly stuck to me, leaving bits of fluff ground in with wax that I would be removing for weeks to come. I did end up completing my "wax job" and had to admire my now smooth skin.

*****

If you enjoyed this story, you may also enjoy Her Mustache Grew Back, The Very Next Day [1].