If I Were President: I'd Give You Nothing

B"ut what if nothing happens?"

"Son, something is always happening. There will never be nothing to report."

I didn't get it. I thought if there wasn't a major tax hike, a child caught in a well or a coal mine collapse, then maybe there wouldn't be anything to talk about and a rerun of Three's Company would be shown in place of the news. That's what I wanted to see; a simple day, like each one I lived, noteworthy of nothing.

As President, that would be my agenda. Yes, I'd like to legalize drugs and assisted suicide, but maybe another time. For this day, I'd want every citizen to sit still, for once in their life, at the same time. I'd deploy the entire armed forces stationed in the United States to force all citizens home and stay there. Everything from the Congress to the local 7-11 would be closed. The soldiers would have to pull watch so, sadly, they would not be at home. But their presence is necessary because people simply cannot be trusted to do as they're told.

I'd be dressed in a Bill Blass suit, and borrowing a bit of air time from cable networks, I'd say, "My fellow Americans. Soon, I will become your commander-in-chief for a day. My one and only agenda is SILENCE. Personal silence is not required, but will possibly be rewarded with a tax cut. Instead, giving you one day's advance notice, I will declare a day of societal silence. The birth and triumph of Nothing. No business will be conducted. There will be no going to work, walking the dog, catching a movie. No driving, no flat tires, no traffic. No meetings, no appointments, no root canals. No laws passed, upheld or overturned. No school, no funerals, no weddings.