Sex Objects

Leslie Benisz

When women who dress skanky or in "provocative" clothing get dressed and venture out in public I seriously doubt that they think of me at all.
No, these clothes don't turn me on any more than if I were to put on a black leather thong and then march up and down a busy street with the expectation of getting lucky or getting laid.
Even the arguement about women who 'ask for it' is crap. I agree that regardless of how any woman is dressed no one deserves to be sexually harrassed or even raped and no one who is mentally sound and sober would ever 'ask for it'.
In fact, my own rule is that if any woman or even a man were to suggest that I rape them, I would immediately telephone the police with a request to send an ambulance as well in case that person is either mentally ill and needs to be medicated or is handicapped to the point of not understanding the dangers of her/his behavior.
The rule that I follow also goes for anyone appearing to be underage.
I don't care if their ID says that they're 25. If they don't look a day over 16 then I'm not going to risk jail time and a criminal record for a hot steamy night in the jungle.
However, how we dress can say a lot about us.
Young women and men in high school want to be accepted and they're at an age where their hormones are sometime out of control and they often lack the maturity and wisdom to not fall victim to peer pressure.
Dressing like Paris Hilton or another celebrity skank when out in public is disgusting.
There are places where such clothing can even be appropriate for the occassion but I wouldn't expect a leather daddy in his chaps and a metal jockstrap to show up as Disney World standing in line behind a group of children. It's not the place.
As well, it can be very dangerous when there are men and even some women don't understand the meaning of the word 'NO'.
Even as Robert Pickton is being tried for murdering six prostitutes (the real number may be as high as 100) we know that there are some really sick animals out there who prey on vulnerable women.
Some women have taken advantage of men as we have seen in the cases of high school teachers who were convicted of statutory rape with a male student.
There was also a precident setting court case in the USA of some sorority sisters who were convicted of rape after a very good looking and muscular athlete of their college football team was kidnapped and turned into a sex slave for an entire weekend as part of the sorority 'man hunt' weekend in which some women took it way to far.
Rape happens and the crime is no less horrific whether the victim is a man or a woman.
So, how men and women choose to dress is entirely their business but your style of clothing will determine how you are percieved when you interact with world, and the world will react to you based and what they see and not what you might think.

Alan writes:

It is truly disappointing to realize, from reading thru these comments, to see how some people impose their morality on others by pointing out man's obligation to be responsible and how so often they have been irresponsible while these same respondents are far more pre-occupied with their *rights to dres as they will* without any sense of their own responsibility to others around them.

Is this not exactly what you are doing by suggesting a woman is responsible for her sexual assault if she happens to dress in a way some one might find sexy? Have you never heard the saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Some men find ankles sexy, should all women wear ankle warmers to protect their honor? How dare you impose your sense of morality and fashion on people here, and then turn around and complain because someone else turned the tables.

No I haven't read that article, yet.

As for me imposing my sense of morality on others? Thats your opinion, my intent was to add my two cents worth to the thread about how I feel about others dictating what is acceptable beauty and what is scandalous beauty. Really, live and let live.

Wow Alan,

I really don't know where to start so much of what you have written here is so personally offensive, and so very full of, well innacuracies lets call them.

I have little energy right now to spare, but was compelled to respond to your peice. I'll do my best to be brief.

I think your article is a very important one in that it reflects an attitude I have encountered with growing frequency.

A very dangerous attitude.

You wrote, "What this author finds most disturbing is that most of women's anger is at MEN in general and that far too few women dare rebuke their own gender for their foolish, careless and too often dangerous dress habits."

Excuse me?

Any person regardless of what set of genitalia they posess should be able to waltz down the street naked, and not "expect" to be assaulted.

Or should we turn the tables? When I walk my dog down the street in the hot summer months and see those hard working construction guys taking a coffee or lunch break, with their sweaty heaving chests bare and glistening for all to see... Should I think, "Man that guy is asking for it!"?

Does that working man have any less a right to not encounter sexual violence simply because a few women may find him, "hot?"

Rape, pedophilia, sexual violence has very little to do with the window dressings of fashion. It has to do with deep seated issues of anger, control, and rage.

Any psychologist worth their salt will tell you the same thing.

One of the most beautiful, creative epochs of Human history is the era of Minoan Crete. In this peaceful egalitarian society women habitually wore their long raven locks in curls down their bare breasted fronts along with the cutest little bolero jackets (open), and long flouncy skirts. These women may have experienced rape, but not because of their bare breasts. Back then, breasts were considered beautiful, like a pretty smile, or flashing eyes and not an invitation to touch, grope or violate.

When was the last time a son came home from health class saying Dad, this guy came to class with photos and video of himself as a teen ager boinking the girls of his class. He's now in federal prsion and talking to youth about how he became a pimp, a loser, and ended up in jail for 10-20.

Now That would be a health class I'd pay to attend!

Leslie Benisz wrote: Leslie Benisz
These fashions trends don't 'turn me on' and I'll have less respect for the women that I work with if they dress this way in plain view.

Well, looky there, these fashions dont turn you on? So how, if they are so repugnant sexually, be the cause for sexual assault on the wearer?

Perhaps you've just hit the nail on the head. The way women choose to dress, is their choice for who knows why but them. Turning you on? I highly doubt is the first thought of your co workers when getting dressed in the morning.

Jessalynn Keller stated "The implication that women should be responsible for men's actions ... "

Jessalynn, dare to read this author's comments. In the original article and subsequent comments, this author has made it CLEAR that no woman is responsible for man's actions ( like rape, sexual abuse, violence, etc ).

Though you may infer that from the article or comments, this author has neither stated it nor implied it. This author is thankful that most of the readers so far have taken the time to read what this author has stated so clearly and repeatedly.

See, for example, the most recent comments I've posted about what people should avoid doing if they don't want to be thought of as a thief, liar, etc.

Heather stated "Blaming sexual assault on provocative dress is a dangerous blame game."

This author agrees. Any man who blames his own selfish actions on anyone but himself or any man who seeks to rationalize his selfish and injurious exploitive actions on anyone else but himself is irresponsible. It's unquestionably foolish.

This author has a challenge for his readers. Fill in the blank below with all the adjectives which appropriately complete the following sentence :

"It is __________ for a host to invite over for a meal a guest who has weight and diet problems and then to lay out for the host's consumption many of the foods which the guest loves most ?"

Now, how many of those same adjectives might appropriately complete the following

"It is __________ for a woman who doesn't want to be perceived as a sex object to dress sexy in a man's presence, knowing that many (most?) men have an inordinate preoccupation with the sexual attributes of a woman's body ?"

This author's "Sex Object" article and related comments have been singular and well focused in that the author has tried to make one point stand out from the rest and that is simply to point out that if a woman doesn't want to be perceived as a sex object, she should refrain from deliberately dressing, acting or talking sexy in public ( and, yes, work ) places.

( Interestingly enough, other women are the best at spotting the difference between those of her gender dressing beautifully and those deliberately dressing sexy !! )

Allan,
Oh dear...seems we disagree on so many levels that I don't even know where to start. While I know you genuinely mean well and are against the fundamental evil of the sexual abuse/exploitation of women and children, I find your blame game extremely disturbing.

At the end of the day, if a man sexually assaults a woman, he is 100 per cent responsible for his actions, regardless of societal norms attached to women's sexuality. No ifs, ands or buts. Grown ups know how and when to keep their hands to themselves. Even if they are aroused, they remain responsible for their actions.

Cleavage is not evil. Breasts are life giving and wondrous. If it conjurs up dark, violent urges on the part of a man, he should seek treatment. Women who buy bikinis and even "dare" to wear them on ...gasp!!! - "family oriented beaches" - are not necessarily motivated by being oggled or "showing off their buttocks." Going to beaches is usually associated with hot days, during which times it is most comfortable to shed ones layers...and why don't you mention the unsightly speedo? When men shed their clothes on a hot day, it is not labelled as a sexual act. Women are sexualized no matter what we wear.

Women should wear what they are comfortable in. If she feels sexy in a tight shirt, she should be free to relish in her sexiness because it is beautiful. Woman is not responsible for the fact that some men have severe control issues that they act out through sexual crimes.

And don't assume women don't like it when their husbands or lovers oggle them. Sexuality is not "bad" - it's anger and control in the mix that makes a bad brew. Furthermore, many women don't concern themselves with what men think, and may be dressing provocatively to flirt with other women.

Thanks for your submission. Debate is important.

Heather Wallace
Senior Editor

I have not missed or ignored your point Allan. I just find your argument and underlying assumptions seriously flawed. Women don't have a "responsibility" to dress according to your assumptions. They can dress how THEY see fit, just as men have a responsibility for their own actions.

This sounds like just another case of the morality police trying to control what women do and how they behave. That kind of judgment belongs in the 1950s. Sexy is in the eye of the beholder. I agree that certain clothes show more than what I would choose, and I think a sophisticated look is the most sexy. But it's up to each woman to find her comfort zone.

In many court cases involving sexual assault, the defence has tried to argue the woman somehow "asked for it" by her provocative dress. This is absolutely wrong. If she said no, and a man felt justified in pressing on simply because he judged her to be dressed provocatively, he is engaging in a criminal act. You are walking a dangerous line in your assertions, and may very well be encouraging sexual abuse inadvertently by making such arguments.

Heather

This is a real touchy subject, and it can lead to some really weighted perceptions.

I think if we take responsibility for our own actions, then we'll be aware of the possible effects it has. For example, if someone wears something really racy, be it a guy or a girl, it will have some effect on most people, probably in a desirous or sexual way.

This is human nature, and some of us play around with that, and others are more aware of the effects it can have.

Another example, is if a western woman or man, goes to a muslim country, they wouldn't wear clothing offensive to that culture. By the same token, a constant awareness of what we do, and its effects, is at the root of a harmonious society.

It's extremely complex to break down a particular issue into a set cause #1, #2, #3 - since we are talking about large numbers of individuals, each at some time, under control and at other times, less so.

My general point is, that even when we write about what we might theorize as being a cause of something, we should be careful. Even if its misconstrued by others, we should take that into account.

It is an incorrect to say external objects, such as bikini, or breast, is the main cause, but it is a contributory cause. If you wear your underwear to work, of course it has some effect on others! But obviously it's not just the object, but the person wearing it, and the other person perceiving.

I think we can start to see how complex the issue, and while we can speak of relative 'correct' and 'incorrect', in terms of what effects it might be, i would say it is not useful to argue the point, as it doesn't change people's minds.

Kolton, you wrote "I know quite intimately a young woman who was raped, not sexually forward, and wore baggy jeans and a loose fitting t-shirt when she was raped. Can you please explain that?"

This author think you will see that the article and subsequent comments answer your question, in as much as one can "explain" why men selfishly rape or otherwise violate any woman ( or man or child ).

There' is no valid excuse for violating any person's privacy and/or sexuality. There's no viable and/or excusable "explanation" for any man forcing a parson in the manner your friend has been forced.

Has this author failed, both in the article and subsequent comments, to make the point if a woman does not want to be perceived as a sex object, she should not dress in a sexually revealing and/or provocative manner. They should avoid "dressing sexy". They should avoid dressing in a manner which accentuates or reveals parts of their anatomy which are most commonly associated with "being sexy".

Sadly enough, SOME men will probably ALWAYS consider some women ( or men or children ) as sex objects and no matter how they dress, it won't change his mind.

Having said that, it's also true that a if a person doesn't want to be suspected as a thief, they should avoid activity that makes people wonder. If a person doesn't want to be thought of as a liar, they should avoid any appearance even white lies. If a person doesn't want to be thought of as a cheat, they should be careful in all dealings to be open and honest in all they say and do. If a woman doesn't want to be seen as a sex object, she shouldn't dress like a sex object.

This author respectfully suggest to all readers that it's virtually impossible to dress sexy and not to appear as a sex object.

Has this author failed, both in the article and subsequent comments, to make the point if a woman does not want to be perceived as a sex object, she should not dress in a sexually revealing and/or provocative manner. They should avoid "dressing sexy". They should avoid dressing in a manner which accentuates or reveals parts of their anatomy which are most commonly associated with "being sexy".

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Hey do you have a line on where I can get me burka to protect my sweet little hiney from being manhandled by all those big helpless men that just cant take my beauty?

Thanks!