I Said No: One Woman's Tale Of Rap And Rape

I wasn't always comfortable saying I had been raped, because what seems so black-and-white, was gray for me for so long.

I know what I was taught; if I say "no" to someone and they continue to force themselves on me, it's rape. But this was someone I used to be passionate about, and while we were together, the sex was always consensual. It was hard for me to understand how 1) a man who claimed to care for me could force himself upon me and 2) I could be confused about it.

According to Dictionary.com, rape is not just sexually forcing yourself upon someone else, but an act of "plunder," "violent seizure," and "abuse." When that gruesome night was over, I felt all of these things. So, why was that reality-check so hard for me to come to grips with? Why was I so confused?

For many years, like for the man who raped me, I once had some really passionate feelings for Hip Hop. Who wouldn't fall in love with songs like "Bonita Applebaum," "Proceed," "I Used to Love H.E.R.," "Fight the Power," and "I Need Love?"

But as time went by, and commercialism became Hip Hop's main squeeze, I found us growing apart. Sure, I still cared about it, but the more risqué the lyrics became, and the more naked the girls in the music videos got, the less we seemed to have in common.

Then fate reunited us as I became a freelance entertainment journalist, who often had to listen to radio rap. Oh, the irony.

At first, I kept it "just business," but then I found myself flirting just a bit, as I settled for the semi-degrading popular chart-toppers.