Friends Without Benefits

I can’t name what it was I felt for him, it was that sense of a deeper understanding, a deeper knowing that attracted me to him. We had an unspoken language. Mostly we would just sit in each other's company, sometimes we’d spend entire days together just sitting immersed in conversation or silent letting music fill the space between us.

We’d talk for hours about our lives, our theories and perceptions, our love for music we’d predict the future and laugh at the outcome. We’d share our accomplishments, and frustrations, our quest for knowledge, our pursuits for happiness, for peace and good food, for love. We would light incense and drink tea. Jasmine. No sugar. I had never met a man that didn’t need to sweeten his tea.

Our time together was spontaneous and frequent. And I found myself captivated by his candor, his ability to love his friends ardently, openly, his passion and artistic expression. His smile began to radiate, his laugh infected me, his eyes pierced and softened me and I got lost in wanting. In wanting to know him fully, in wanting to be vulnerable with him, wanting to be honest and show him my true self wanting to connect, spiritually, physically. Sex at the time wasn’t easy for me, I felt exposed in a way that scared me, but I wanted to face that fear.

So late one night after a small get together at his place as we had done many times before we stripped down to our under garments and climbed into bed together. He was always warm and inviting and so I nestled myself into the space he left for me. We had never kissed but we were very physically expressive.