My Mentally-Ill Dad

I was never close to my Dad growing up. We barely spoke or saw each other. I was 15 when he was hospitalized. He was suicidal and he'd had a mental breakdown and showed schizoid behaviour, like thinking there were hidden messages directed at him in what the TV presenters were saying.

When my Dad's condition really deteriorated he became very paranoid and unstable. He'd take things very personally as if someone was making insinuations against him, even if it was completely innocent and neutral. His reactions made me wary of him and afraid of saying that much, in case he took it the wrong way.

At the time I had no idea what was really happening to my Dad; I was kept out of the loop. My Mother said things that scared me and my sisters, as if he was dangerous and volatile. I was confused and frightened by what was going on and I felt that I had no one to turn to for reassurance or support. I didn't really have any friends. We lived in the middle of the countryside and I'd left school because of my own problems. I became scared and just withdrew into myself. My family didn't communicate so my siblings and I were isolated and alone, just like Dad. The thought that I might end up going into care was almost welcome, because I could imagine that a foster parent might actually care about what I felt.

When my Dad reached the worst stage of his illness he attempted suicide by trying to drown himself in a small lake. He was discovered by the local farmer, who escorted him home. He was unhinged and desperate and we were all very scared. I didn't know what would happen to our family.