My Journey Through Bipolar Motherhood

THE BEGINNING
I was 37, and I wanted to have a baby. Because I had bipolar illness, we had to make sure that the medications I was on wouldn't hurt the fetus. All three of my meds -- Trilafon, Anafranal and lithium -- were relatively safe. Yes, I was on lithium, but the current thinking is that lithium is relatively safe for a developing baby. So my husband and I started trying. We made love constantly, until it became a chore. After we had sex, I'd lie with my hips on a pillow.

Sex became a real pain. When we weren't having any luck after six months, my gynecologist suggested that we get infertility counseling. The infertility people put both of us through a lot of tests, and it was determined that nothing was wrong with us so they decided to try artificial insemination. I remember during our first insemination, I had my husband hold my hand. How romantic! They got to be routine after six or seven appointments.

DOMESTIC ADOPTION

After that ordeal, the infertility doctors said we could try in vitro, but I had a feeling that wouldn't work either. We decided to go with something a little more promising -- adoption.

We went to a domestic adoption agency. There we were interviewed, and it came out that I was bipolar. I didn't want to lie to them. Nevertheless, we were approved for a home study. The home study began, and so did the questioning. Had I ever had a hallucination?

"Yes, I saw a head of broccoli," I said. I really had just seen a head of broccoli.

My home study social worker didn't laugh, although it was funny.

The interviews went downhill after that.