Comedian Mark Malkof Lives at IKEA

A Week in the NJ Showroom

Comedian and writer Mark Malkoff's New York City apartment had to be fumigated. All of his friends have tiny studio apartments. Hotels in New York are expensive. What's a guy to do? Mark thought he'd test out IKEA's hospitality and crash on its couch for a week. His toilet doesn't work and there's a constant parade of gawkers in his living room, but Mark doesn't mind - he has the whole children's ball pit to himself in the middle of the night and more creature comforts than he could dream of. Mark moved in early morning Monday January 7th to the IKEA in Paramus, New Jersey and will stay for the week until midnight, Saturday, January 12th. Check out marklivesinikea.com for the latest update.

I still can't believe I'm living in IKEA. It's nothing less than miraculous. IKEA is a company with hundreds of millions of dollars. They don't know me, yet the're giving me free reign of the place, total creative control and complete ownership over the content, which to me is more valuable than getting paid.

I can sleep wherever I want and have my choice of hundreds of beds. They have a 750-square foot apartment built to scale, so I have a living room, a bedroom, a bathroom with two sinks and a toilet that don't work. I have another bedroom, where I put my trampoline so I can get some exercise and I brought my personal trainer. I'm just living a normal life as much as possible.

It's not normal to play laser tag with security guards at two in the morning. When it's closed, I can rollerblade around the store. Lights come on at about 4:15 a.m., so I'm not sleeping much. My first night here, the lights were on the entire night, fluorescent lights full blast. It's bizarre waking up in a bathrobe and walking past customers to the shower that they have set up. It's in the back room and I don't think it's been cleaned since 1965.

Actually this morning I was in the IKEA restaurant and there was a manager who offered to wash my hair underneath the tap. It was just like being at a beauty salon, but I didn't have to pay for it. I wake up from naps and 20 people are staring at me or photographing me through the window cut out into my apartment wall. I'll be shaving in the public restroom here and people will point at me. It's like living in a zoo, but I'm having a good time.

I've made good friends here too. At nights it's just me and Jarvis, the security guard. He and I play in the children's ball pit together. We play hide and go seek. I do enjoy the ball pit, but a sign outside says Only Potty-Trained Children Allowed, so you can reach your own conclusion.

They're going to have to physically remove me from the store Saturday at midnight, because I don't want to leave; I'm having such a good time and getting quite comfortable with the fact that I'm living in the store. It's become natural. I have to remind myself that people don't live in stores. It will be weird not to have hundreds of people walking through my apartment everyday, trying to get in bed with me, which I think is a bit creepy. It will definitely be an adjustment to go back to normal life.

I've learned a lot. They let me get on the PA system every night at closing and say, "This is Mark Malkoff, the Lord of IKEA. Everybody get out of IKEA so I can go to sleep." Then I start singing Bon Jovi's Shot Through The Heart. It's been great.