Teenagers And Sex: Cutting Through The Myths

Myths about teen sex are giving Greek myths a run for their money.

These days, no one wants to hear about Zeus or Aphrodite; now we're all atwitter about teenage girls wearing little colored bands around their wrists to indicate what kind of sex they're willing to engage in.

Being older than Zeus, I have no idea if this or any of the other teen sex myths I've heard about are true. Just like Greek myths, whether or not they're true or false is not the point. They make good stories, so parents pass them around as warnings and portents of the decline of civilization - or just to give themselves a good scare.

Who knows, maybe teenagers spread them as well -- true or not -- because they're unwilling to be considered out of the loop.

Of course, the easiest thing to do here would be to cut through the myths and ask a teenager. As far as I can tell, it doesn't happen very often. There are lots of people who are only too ready to step up and talk at or about teenagers, but few actual instances of a real exchange between teenagers and grownups about sex.

This is understandable. For parents, talking about sex brings up dread reminders of their own parental encounters on sex. They may feel a grim responsibility, but are desperately afraid that talking about sex may give their kids the TOTALLY WRONG idea that sex is okay, and if there's one thing the entire adult world agrees on, it's that teen sex is out of the question.

Race, religion, culture, it doesn't matter: “Just don't do it!" is the universal message. So somehow you have to talk about sex without making it sound like fun, which is why, coming from parents, sex sounds like a particularly horrible disease that requires extravagant preventive measures to ward off.

If you're a teenager, just being seen in the vicinity of your parents is cringe-making, never mind sitting down and having a nice long chat about your most intimate desires and feelings. About the best you can hope for is to appear as if you're listening with your eyes shut and your hands over your ears.

None of this works, but frankly, nothing ever works in the realm of sex and teenagers. It's rare individual who makes it past 20 without experiencing enough sexual traumas to keep a therapist busy for many billable hours. That's if you can afford a therapist.

Other, cheaper means of coping with teenage sex-related humiliations are keeping them rolled up in a tight little ball in the pit of your stomach, continuing to look for love in all the wrong places - online and elsewhere - or allowing them to turn us into bitter, nasty old carps who pretend we were never young and vulnerable in the first place.

There seem to be plenty of the latter in the news media who have been wagging their wizened digits (fingers, that is) at us here at Orato.com for daring to put out the call for a teen sex columnist.

It's the same old story: If we encourage kids to talk about sex, it will just encourage them to have sex. And sex is wrong. End of discussion.

At the risk of incurring the wrath of the carps, it's just the beginning of the discussion. When you turn into an adolescent, virtually overnight, hormones hit you like a runaway bus. All of a sudden, it's different. All of a sudden, you don't know yourself or your friends or what's going to happen next. All of the things that were just yesterday so comforting and solid are just kid stuff now.

The only people you feel comfortable talking to about this are your friends who are going through the same thing. Depending on your friend Jason for information about sex is inherently flawed, as Jason knows even less than you do. Which doesn't prevent either of you from pontificating like Dr. Ruth. But for some, that's not even an option, and those kids are terribly alone.

Which is why we think a teen sex columnist is a good idea. We're looking for someone who can write about his or her experiences that will help vanquish the loneliness for their peers and help clear the air for anxious parents. (Notice I didn't say "reassure anxious parents" - we're not looking for someone who will tell soothing lies just to make the old carps feel better.) We're looking for young people who can get the discussion going with some honest observations about what's going on in their community, their school, in the back of their parent's car, in their own hearts.

It's a tall order. We know it's tough, and we won't let our columnist (or columnists - if we get more than one, we'll feature their columns as well) twist in the breeze. Underlining what we say in This Week's Assignment, we'll only consider applicants who have solid, transparent relationship with their parents, as we won't accept any applicants without their parents' approval; at the same time we're enlisting sex education teachers and therapists to act as advisers if you feel the need for some expert advice.

I know this will come as a big surprise, but we live in a hypocritical world. We sexualize kids at an increasingly early age through clothes, music, the movies, even the books they read. Then we tell them no, don't do that. Any wonder they're confused? Any wonder that the myth-makers dominate the podium? Here's your chance to make a difference, and move the conversation into the realm of reality. It starts with I Speak at Orato.